This time, I won’t even apologize for my absence.
A million things have been happening with my family (don’t worry, nothing too serious, we’re all healthy and loving each other) – a couple of them I’ll share with y’all.
You see, I always thought I chose to be a writer. That I’d chosen to be a stay-at-home. I was happy with these “decisions”, but couldn’t help but wonder, “what if?” What if I’d gone deep into a career the way my sisters have done? They were (are) happy. Why didn’t I work outside the home? Didn’t I get cabin-fevered? (yes, constantly.) Didn’t I get tired of just jotting down words on a computer and wondering what in the world would ever happen to them?
Yes. I did get tired of it. So I decided to do something. After the holidays, I started a job search. I prayed, and lo and behold, I got a job!! Amazingly fast. The title even sounded cool – Part Time Supervisor. I announced it on Facebook, and as friends congratulated me, I felt like a person. Isn’t that awful? Shouldn’t I have already felt like a person before? But with a job title, I felt like I officially “existed.”
Well. Now I hear God’s enormous “A-HEM.” I didn’t think I was giving up writing at all; just branching out to other stuff while I waited. That would probably give me extra inspiration, right? Plus I’d get to dress up everyday and have something more impressive to say when asked “what do you do?”
Oh Lord. Was I in for a surprise. Now imagine you’ve been thrown into a field you’ve never worked in before, and while you’re trying to make sense of it, your recruiters say you’d better become an expert immediately, because you’ll be LEADING people in it. Ha. At first I thought it was just the shock of working outside the house, then just the shock of learning something new under pressure, until I got to the sad realization that I just could. not. do it. The more I tried, I only got worse! It wasn’t even close to my area of strength. In fact, the longer I stayed there, I felt like I was getting dumber.
So, at the risk of other people thinking I’m flimsy (you know, the encouraging friends from Facebook), I decided to leave. My main reason that really helped me decide was that all that hardship also meant less time nursing Holly – and I would NOT risk them firing me just after I’d dried up my milk supply.
Another not-so-sad, and actually sort of exciting realization I’ve come to is that I never chose writing; God chose it for me. It’s how I express myself the best. At high school I was the girl glued to her notebook. And even today, when I’m having a conversation with a lot on my mind, I get self conscious. Depending on the pressure (like at this new job), I just clam up. I get so busy thinking so many things that I forget to speak.
Of course, if you meet me at a non-pressured place (like among friends and family), I’m Miss Chatty. Sometimes even too much, like I’d saved all I wanted to say while I’d been quiet for that moment. People who see me like this may never know how awkwardly silent I can be. But trust me. I can be very, VERY awkward.
So. Supervisor material I am not. It’s okay, though – I know I’m writer AND mommy material. When I tried to learn the new job, all I could think of was Holly’s warm body against me, Andrew silly grin and Melissa’s expectant face. Back at home, she told me she didn’t want me to go anymore. And I was only too happy to oblige.